This chapter is written in 1st person.
beware, it's a real tear jerker.
past the pain- part 1
I was sitting in a doctor’s office as I watched the fish swim around and around
it made me dizzy. I wasn’t sure what she was saying but I had a feeling it
had something to do with that night,
which of course, was why I was here to
begin with. I just wanted to concentrate on other images so I could pretend
another hour that this wasn’t happening, just like I had that night. But I was
slowly losing the
battle. I knew I was going to have to talk about the night of
The tears had started
to flow now and I looked up at the girl who was staring at
me in the mirror. Just who was she I wondered? I no longer
Nora: I know I’m supposed to start with some profound words here Doc, but I
haven’t got a
clue how to begin. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.
The young doctor, who had a profile much like Viki’s
daughter Jessica, looked up
at me and nearly started to cry. I envisioned that it was because she was a
and knew this could be happening to her just as easily. But instead of
becoming weak, she took my hand and looked
into my eyes the way a mother often
does with her children.
Erin: It’s Ok you know? You’re doing
Nora (taking a deep breath): I guess the first step would be similar to what
they tell you in AA. You
have to admit you have a problem.
Erin: Do you feel comfortable doing that Nora? (Pause) I don’t want to do
anything to make you feel threatened. You’re safe now. You do believe that don’t
All I know is that one day I was planning my campaign, and the next I was
cowering under my desk afraid to move. (Pause)
I know I’m supposed to do this
Erin; I know it will make me feel better; but right now I can’t even seem
the words out. (Pause) I feel like I’m back there in my office trying to scream
when no words
will come out. I hate being terrified; but even more than that is
the fact that I hate being a victim. I want my life
Erin: Then take it back Nora. Tell me what he did to you? (Pause) After you do
that then maybe we can
work on finding a way to get you through it one step at a
time. What do you say?
Nora (now crying): It sounds
so easy when you put it like that. But it’s so hard
for me you know? I can’t even admit it to myself.
For so long I had actually
convinced myself that this wasn’t real. I was so sure I was watching it happen
someone else. But then…
Erin: then what?
Nora: No matter what I did I couldn’t get away from him.
I would see him in my
dreams; I would think he was there when he wasn’t; I would see him in others;
those who have done nothing but good for me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I
I was… I was Raped Erin. That’s what I’ve been trying so hard to run away
from. No matter how impossible
it seems I need to find a way out of this. Can
you help me Erin? Please say you can help me?
Erin: I can help
you. (Pause) But you might not like what I ask you to do.
(Pause) I need you to take me back to that night. I need
to know what you were
feeling. Can you do that?
Nora: It was dark. That much I remember.
Nora: Yeah. I was working on my campaign when he walked in; everyone else had
gone home for the
night. He was just standing there with this arrogant, smug
look on his face. I wanted him to leave but he just stood
Erin: Did you speak to him?
Nora: I didn’t get a chance. He walked into the room and shut the
door. I mean
he locked it. That freaked me out.
Erin: why is that Nora?
Nora: because I know what people
do behind closed doors. (Pause) I just wanted
to be somewhere else; anywhere else.
Erin: Then what?
At first it wasn’t any different then before. He was just trying to annoy
me, which of course he did.
Daniel: what are you still doing here counselor? Shouldn’t you be getting home
to that son of yours?
Sorry Daniel, you aint gonna find anything. My past is old news by now. I
can deal with that.
so… But I wonder how your precious son would feel if he knew the
truth about how he was conceived. Did you ever
think about that?
Nora: I wouldn’t go down that road if I were you? You will find yourself in a
more trouble than simply loosing the race.
Daniel: is that a threat?
Nora: It’s a promise. (Pause) Nobody
messes with my kids.
Daniel: Oh come on Nora, I’m just speaking the truth. If you can’t handle it…
Lets get something straight Mr. Dan. I am NOT resigning just because you
want me to. I want this job; I deserve this
job; probably even more than you do.
I don’t like to play dirty but I will if I have to.
is THAT supposed to mean?
Nora (pausing): Maybe someone should tell Riley you sold his little sister
it tarnished your PERFECT reputation. I bet he doesn’t even know he has
one does he? Maybe that’s because
you had an affair with someone young enough to
be your daughter. (Pause) Gee, I wonder what the media can do with
End of flashback
Erin: I take it he was angry.
Nora: Very Angry; the angriest I had ever seen
him. He would have done anything
to keep his dirty little secret. Looks like he did.
Erin: Then what?
He grabbed me by the hair and called me a bitch. When he shoved me to the
ground I knew I was in trouble. I screamed;
he covered my mouth. I bit him and
he hit me. He hit me so hard I thought I would die. I wish I had. (Pausing as
tears come) He pinned my hands behind my back so I tried to kick but he just
got stronger and stronger. He ripped
my shirt and started touching me in places
I didn’t want him to touch me. I kept saying No, but it only made
him attack me
more. I closed my eyes as he continued to assault me. I couldn’t fight anymore.
too tired. I was just so tired.
Erin: Can you tell me what happened after?
Nora: after he raped me, I just
laid there motionless as he walked out the door.
He never looked back Erin; he didn’t even care. (Pause) I got
up and cleaned up
the mess in a daze. Then I went home and took a shower. I didn’t want to report
I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened.
(Pause) I blamed myself at first. I knew I shouldn’t
have been there that late
in the first place and then I started thinking I didn’t fight him hard enough. I
like I had no control over myself. I didn’t trust anyone. I was terrified
of anything and everything that moved.
I couldn’t sleep. I spent day’s shut off
from the world and I had no appetite at all. (Pause) I became
locking the doors after that. I took hour-long showers 3 times a day. I moved
out of my house.
Erin: Where did you move?
Nora: I… I moved in with my Ex husband. I knew it was a bad idea but Matthew
wanted it so bad and eventfully we just agreed to give it to him. But our
relationship didn’t change;
we were just friends. Which is what I really needed
at the time.
Erin: Is that what changed your mind about
Nora: I tried to hide it from him but he knows me to well. He saw my bruises
when he accidentally
walked in on me in the bathroom. When I broke down, he just
held me. The examination was hard. I couldn’t bear
to be touched like that. I
almost tore Bo’s arm off when I begged him not to leave me alone. (Pause) I felt
helpless, and violated all over again.
Erin: That’s normal.
Nora: none of this is normal; none
of it. I just want to stop thinking I’m ok if
I’m not. I want to stop being so afraid.
seems that you are suffering from a condition known as “ rape trauma
syndrome.” All of this is to be expected.
(Pause) when you come back, I think we
should talk about what that means and what we can do about it. In the meantime,
I want you to allow yourself to feel whatever it is your feeling. And don’t put
your recovery and your
happiness on hold because of someone else. Whatever it is
you need, then take it. It may make all the difference.
Nora: I will. Thanks Erin.
Erin (shaking her hand): take care of yourself Ok?
Nora: I’ll try.
walked outside and into Bo’s arms. They didn’t say a word; he just held
her. When she started crying,
he did his best to wipe her tears away.
Bo: It’ll be Ok Nora? Everything’s going to be ok?
Bo: I do.
She started to relax a little when she saw Gabrielle. Without thinking she
Bo, who didn’t resist. Gabrielle left. Afterwards she broke down.
Nora: I… I’m so sorry. I don’t
know what I was thinking.
Bo: I do.
Nora: You do?
Bo: sure. You wanted to be able to be touched by someone.
I know how hard that
is for you honey. You’ll get there someday.
Nora: you’re not mad?
Of course not. (Pause) In case you didn’t notice, I kissed you back.
Nora: Thanks Bo. For everything. I really
don’t know what I’d do without you.
Bo: You have me. Always and forever. (Pause) I just want to help you.
all. You want to go to a movie or something?
Nora: can we get ice cream and popcorn and candy?
Bo: anything you want…
And they walked off hand in hand.
To be continued